i miss my period

i miss my period

So I think I found a free vermiculture composting class next week, but I’m also a little nervous that it might be about growing bugs to eat. (Which I have learned is actually called entomophagy, and I’m weirded out by it).
Also, if anyone has any links or sites they’d recommend about composting, please feel free to link them my way. My compost is really just a collection of food scraps and sticks that won’t break down that I get to spin around sometimes. But I only have to worry about that once the snow goes away. Which is never. Because I live in a frozen wasteland.

Another story: after Christmas, I noticed that THINX, the period underwear people, were having a pretty decent sale on a custom 3 pack of underoos. So I ordered it, and I’ve been so excited to try them out, but both January and February periods have been like…non-existant (not pregnant, family, chill your jets) and so I just like..bought these really neat period underpants that I apparently am never going to use.
And like, I’m only mildly complaining about not actually getting my period because instead of period cramps, I’ve had this stellar migraine. Like a period cramp in my brain. It is significantly less fun than period cramps. Gotta say.

Yes this is my 9×9 pan, and yes, I did eat that entire row by myself.

It’s Friday. I was in a bunch of pain all day, so I didn’t really get around to doing much. I managed to make dinner and do some baking. I made these vegan peanut butter banana brownies from recipes from a pantry by bintu, which have a weird consistency for me, but they’re meeting my brain-period-cramping needs. Their mouth feel (idk how else to describe it) is like…mochi almost. I’m definitely eating the rest of this and am not going to be mad about it though.

Anyways, it has been snowing all day and I’m super over it. Has me thinking about all the travelling we’re doing this year (which will likely be cold and snowy too, but that’s besides the point.) Are you doing any travel this year?



Catlord was on a quick two day business trip this week, he got back last night at 11:30. I spent a majority of my day yesterday making a rug out of t-shirt yarn, and some dog toys out of the hems of those t-shirts. Go go gadget low waste.

I also finished listening to The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, Catlord and I are interested in doing an experiment of no purchasing, but it’s not a good year for that, with our wedding going on. Maybe we could do a no purchasing except for wedding stuff month? I also started The Expanse series. And watched 6 episodes of Nightflyers. I love me some science fiction. It doesn’t sound too productive, and it wasn’t. I was in a weird funk all day yesterday, but I enjoyed getting lost for a little while.

We just got back from a non-v-day v-day dinner at our favorite ramen place in Edmonton. We’ve been going there for 5 years, we have a waiter, he knows us by name and order. Catlord and I are not -romantic- types. We talked about composting and beekeeping workshops, and about day to day stuff. We like it that way. We bought some shoes for Catlord for our wedding and came home. I was given the cutest bee sweatshirt. We do “365 Days of Valentines”, we have one card that is hidden from the other person, the hider writes a cute note in it with the date, and the other person gets clues as to where it is. Catlord has been stuck on his for 4 months now. The last time he didn’t find it, the cat just lifted the thing it was under. I like this tradition better, just knowing that there’s kindness and love tucked away in my house somewhere is helpful.

What are some of the different things or traditions you do with your sweetie? (partner, grandchild, roommate, puppy, codependent bff?)

an adventure

We got our plates for our wedding yesterday, which is cool. We got palm leaf plates, we were going to rent some, but it honestly was so expensive and such a hassle. With palm leaf plates, they are compostable (and burnable!) which will come in handy being back home in the land of the Horny Tree (it’s a thing, one day you might know what it is).

Anyways, so I’ve been trying to design our tables with the items we have. So far we have our plates and our napkins, and potentially the wine glass cups we’re making (if they work…unsure how I feel about hand-sanding 200+ wine cups). I’m thinking white table cloths and maybe a slate colored cheesecloth runner. Maybe eucalyptus around the tables? Once I have a picture I’ll share it with you. I might actually just do some wedding themed posts. That probably makes more sense.

Today was particularly uneventful. Daisy and I went on a drive to Homes Alive Pets in Edmonton for some new kibble (I like this pet store because it’s independent and kind of more like a bulk store for pets.) Daisy slobbered on some stuff like a toddler, so we came home with some extra treats for her.

I then went to Shoppers and dropped my ebates money on a bunch of period products for the “no woman without. period.” campaign and dropped them off at my favorite thrift store. While I was there I bought my very first cast iron skillet for $5. I’m in love with her. Her name is Tina, she’s currently seasoning as I type this. She needed a bit of TLC, but she’ll be my friend for life, so I’m okay with that.

My question for you today: what is your favorite Buy It For Life product that you own?

P.S – unrelated related story. As soon as I wrote this I thought about my mom. She has this beautiful turquoise sweater that she’s had since I was in elementary school (potentially earlier) and I love it a lot. She still has it, and everytime I go back home I want to steal it. The end.

i’m afraid

I wrote out my title and left it in my drafts for a few days.

Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?
I couldn’t put it in to words at the time, which I couldn’t tell if that was a symptom of my mental health doing the thing where I can’t think, or if I legitimately didn’t know why I felt fear.

And then I felt it, all at once and all consuming. I’m afraid of feeling better.

Well Phaidra, you know, lots of people are afraid of getting better. Is it because you are afraid of who that person might be? Or maybe it’s because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of being healthy? Or is it something else?

I’ve definitely been afraid of being mentally well because I feel like the human that I am wouldn’t exist anymore, and I’ve been afraid of getting better because I honestly believed that I didn’t deserve it. But this is a different kind of fear.

What scares me the most isn’t getting better.
It’s feeling that moment when everything slides back into place, the sun shines, the butterflies flutter, angels sing – and the depression was just a piece of your story. And you get to be a person. You get to go back to the person you were, or always wanted to be.
I’m afraid that I’ll experience that full life, and suddenly be pulled down into THE BIG DARK SAD again and that terrifies me. Yesterday was busy, and I’ve got negative amount of spoons, but it was a -good day- and I -felt- good.

Today is big, DARK, and getting harder by the minute, and the worst part is that for a moment I was okay, and now, I’m not.

All I can do is wait for the next moment and hope it sticks around a little longer.

An idiot explains the basics of spoon theory.

I wrote a really long post a head of this about MY BIG DARK SAD, but this post morphed. So the TL;DR is that I have depression and it’s hard, but my support network and I are working on it. The big thing for me is managing expectations, both my own and others. I’ve been reading a lot about Spoon Theory lately, and have managed to explain to the CatLord that I only have so many spoons a day, and that sometimes I only have enough spoons to get out of bed and drink a glass of water, and some days I have enough spoons to violently clean my house AND make dinner. Eventually he got it, but the question was always “why spoons?”

And then one day, a coworker shared a tweet about DnD and spellslots. You see, a level 5 spellcasting type will have so many spells a day, and once those spells are used, you can’t get them back until you have a long or short rest. And like, that makes sense, but I guess it just depends on your audience let’s say you’re trying to explain this to your mom?

And then I thought about my mom. She’s an amazing human, taught me a lot about who I am and who I can be. Shes also stupid good at video games, and is on like level trillion of candy crush or something.
So like, in candy crush, you have 5 hearts to use, and each time you fail a level you lose a heart. Over time the heart comes back, but you have to wait, and once you’re out of hearts there’s really nothing you can do. You could ask for hearts from other people, but you wouldn’t want to impose.
Some days it’s just easy levels and you never run out of hearts, and sometimes you’re stuck on this one fucking level for weeks and there’s nothing you can do about it but keep trying. You can see all your friends surpassing you and it sucks but you just gotta keep on going.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have a really hard level today, and I have no hearts left, but I see one coming soon and I’m really amped about that.

i left the house

I’m a homebody on the best of days. I’d rather be curled up with my cats and Daisy, watching a crime drama. But today…I was stir crazy. I’ve been off work since October, being solo in my house Monday through Friday for the past 6 months has been…an adventure.

So anyways, I left the house. My intention was to buy groceries (a friend introduced me to the Mealime app, and now my life has CHANGED (again, not spon)), and to try to find one of those toothpaste tube squeezers. About 4 hours later I arrived back home with a bushel of goodies, AND an amazon delivery. I am #blessed.

Although I could not find a toothpaste tube squeezer anywhere.

Because depression and homebody-ness kind of go hand in hand, I like..don’t really cook anymore. I use to love cooking, but now that my energy level is at -100, unless I can boil something and dump a sauce over it, it’s not really happening anymore. But I used the mealime app, tried out a black bean burger and a beet, orange, walnut, and goat cheese salad – they were both delicious! I have enough for another salad tomorrow and I’m considering it for breakfast. To make both meals (they were suppose to be two meals but…I’m gluttonous) it took me 45 minutes, and probably about 15 of that was me feeding spinach to Daisy. I’m into the Mealime-ness. I think my only other challenge will be not buying a bunch of stuff that I won’t use (see previous post).

Anyways, a Shelter Thrift store was near by and I was looking for that weird plastic mesh crafting sheet to use as a DIY sprouting lid, and ended up finding some nice woven place mats, a bunch of fabric napkins, a hankie (embroidered for Betty, omg my heart), and two baby blankets I’m going to upcycle into some cotton rounds for the bathroom. It was a glorious day, all that fabric only cost me $4, and I’ve already put it all to use.

And then I went off to VV, and FOUND my weird plastic mesh thingy for m sprouter jars (VV always has them, I swear), a stock pot for $4 (to make some chicken stock + chow for Daisy), some mason jars for sprouting ( .25 each, I might have a problem) and a cute fake grass drying rack that I actually adore.

And then I got home to an amazon delivery of a Healthy Human hot/cold mug (<3), some reusable wooden ear cleany things & some silicon sandwich bags for CatLord.

Today wasn’t all that eventful, but when you stay at home talking to your cats all day, sometimes just leaving the house is exciting.
Thanks for reading and baring with me while I get everything organized.
xoxo – p

|| the smell ||

|| the smell ||

So today I write to you from my kitchen. It’s nothing fancy. I share it with a catlord and our roommate (catlord’s cousin, who only learned how to cook rice properly last week).
I’m going through a weird minimalist meets low impact ~thing~, which means that everything in my life is going through a process. Two of those areas in my kitchen are my pantry and my fridge, which is great, because they both currently have the smell and I can’t find where it’s coming from. So, while I wait for my coffee cake to finish baking (which in hindsight, isn’t helpful when trying to locate a smell), let’s go on an adventure into my pantry.

Here is what our half of the pantry looks like. It desperately needs a declutter. I’m sure there’s something off in here, but it very well could be on the roommate’s side. (If Chris is the Catlord, could that make the cousin…a Catsquire?)

Excuse me while I listen to disco music loudly and clean stuff.

Who knew tidying my kitchen would be a multiple day adventure? Here’s the pantry after some reorganization and tidying. I have not located the smell, but I have hope. I might put some baking soda in a jar in the corner and let it soak up some of that snoot.

While it might not look cleaner, I feel it. In my boneeessss. I got rid of a bunch of expired stuff that I’m certain I’ve had longer than some of my cats, and took inventory of stuff that we haven’t really been eating.

I’m starting to get real annoyed at myself for hoarding food and letting it expire, when someone else could potentially use it. I mean, yes, I donate to food banks as often as I can, but like…am I really going to use that nearly brand new bag of pea protein isolate powder? No. It’s fucking disgusting and I just can’t get over the taste, but I’m sure someone would. I’m new to this whole thing, but I’ve recently come across an app called OLIO, which helps food hoarders like me find people in my area that might actually use some of our surplus. It’s also used for folks with gardens who end up with giant grocery bags of kale from their garden and never end up using it. *Phaidra* It’s definitely bigger in the UK, but I’m hoping I can get some traction out here. This post isn’t sponsored by anyone, I’m just like, mad. 🙂

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS COFFEE CAKE THOUGH? Holy shit is this bitch MOIST. Moist in a “I’m drowning in butter and I ain’t even mad” kind of way. If you’re interested in eating your entire weeks worth of calories in a single sitting, I highly recommend this Cinnamon Swirl Coffee cake from cakescottage.com.

Note the cat hair.

~*~ A E S T H E T I C P H O T O ~ * ~

That about does it for this post I think, stay tuned for the smell II.