We pulled a puzzle out from our Christmas gifts and turned on some music from our childhood. I got a call from a concerned friend and he calmly talked me off a ledge, and I was grateful for the love of others. I stood outside and watched the stars shine. Just a moment. Me, my dog, and the vastness of the universe. I took in a deep breath and felt the healing of the wind. It was just a moment, but it was a moment of clarity.
I’ve been struggling with self soothing techniques. Yesterday was a big, deep, dark sad day and I couldn’t shake the endless loop of darkness and endings. I colored. I sang. I baked. I smoked. I laid down. I cuddled my dog. I hugged my husband. I wrote a blog. I sat in the shower. But nothing really helped.
Except the bright night sky.
I need to get out of this house and go live in the woods. I need to reconnect with myself. I need to sit beside a campfire. I need to paddle a canoe. I need to forage for berries. I need healing.
So it’s just a thing that happens. I have an idea or pick up a new craft and suddenly it’s all I think about. But in this case it could actually be going somewhere.
Earlier this month Catlord celebrated his birthday. It’s a big birthday for him, so I got him a real big gift [and I’m usually shit at gifts so…was about time I did better], a 3d printer. As I am researching 3d printers and filaments, my brain says “but like…what happens to the 3d print failures? what is 3d printer filament? must be an easier way to get it.” I somehow stumbled in to small scale plastic recycling as an attempt to mitigate the filament waste [filament is expensive yall].
This later turned in to an immensely huge project.
The “peaches starts a business” project.
I made my way to the precious plastic site and there it was. The answer to my question. The answer to many questions. Precious Plastic is a NFP collective type thing, they share everything they have learned about small scale plastic recycling in easy and inclusive ways *for free* – including machine blueprints, business plans, workspace suggestions etc. I think my main purpose is to take something that is literal garbage and create a conversation around how great this resource is when it is applied to it’s full potential, rather than trinkets and plastic spoons. This post isn’t sponsored or like…an ad. I’m just genuinely excited that there is a way for me to positively impact my physical environment by removing plastic from the landfill. If you’re a likeminded human, I suggest checking out the website, if nothing else, just to see what can of magic can happen when you’re forced into the crunch line of global warming and armed with a bunch of Captain Planet type nerds. So now I’m starting a business with a friend and I’m extremely excited for it. I love my current job [like so much, you have no idea] but I feel like I could take on the work [and like holy shit I need a creative outlet that gets me out of my house I swear to fuck). I have lots of ideas, and I can’t wait to share them, but until then, I just leave you with an invitation to chat about plastic recycling with me and how you can take literal trash and turn it in to amazing things.
And yes, I know – we need to be encouraging less consumption of plastic all together, and like, yes. But also – only 9% of the global amount of plastic is recycled, which means there’s a shit load of it all over the damn place. I think I will always be someone who advocates for the greener choice, someone who says yes to reusing jars and tupperware for a zero waste option, and genuinely doesn’t want anymore plastic created. I would love to get to the point where I can no longer recycle plastic into products because there is a shortage. Here’s hoping.
Anyways, we had a community meeting for PP folks in the city, and I’m really hopeful that something cool will come out of this for all of us. I’m trying to turn my brain off and it’s hard. Hoping the word vomit helps. And the tea. And the drugs.
So last week was really up and down with productivity and life. On Monday I marathoned a bunch of documentaries about permaculture, homesteading, and canning. Because that’s a normal thing to do. I am crocheting a baby blanket for my co-worker’s shower this Saturday, and didn’t want to just waste time, I wanted to learn a bunch of stuff. And learn I did. I also learned that it’s really important to LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE PATTERNS. If the crochet lady says you need a size 4mm hook, don’t assume you can use a 5mm and get the same results. On Wednesday, I had my sewing moment, which like…exploded. Becausse on Thursday and Friday, I spent the entire day cutting and sewing lace and made a bunch more bags. Managed to sell a couple, so you know, that’s really helping my brain feel more productive (and assisting in my thrift store addiction, tyvm). CatLord won his bid on an Occulus Virtual Reality headset. It’s pretty neat, but it only runs on my computer, which means my tower is currently sitting in the living room downstairs. I am eyeing up a VR boxing game to maybe help me get some more exercise. Just waiting for JustDance vr. Get my wiggle on. Over the weekend CatLord and I did a bunch. We did an escape room for a friends birthday (got out with an extra 12 minutes, only used 2/4 hints). We went to their place afterwards and I tormented/brushed their fuzzy cat Tasha for a million hours. On Sunday we did a lot of running around, went to Costco, which is always a horrific experience, and then finished off our grocery shopping at our local market. After being sad about plastic for 9 years, we came home and did some cute crap. We bought a bunch of lean ground pork for Daisy from Costco ($12 for a tube the size of my calf muscle), so I threw it in the slow cooker for 8 hours. While that did it’s thing, CatLord would only let me buy the neglected fruit on the 30% off shelf if I promised we would make it that night, so we bought a bag of slightly bruised, but perfectly fine apples, and we made apple sauce! In our smaller slow cooker, a 3lbs bag of granny smiths, half a cup of water, half a cup of sugar, and a few shakes of cinnamon for 4 hours. Apples were whiskable into perfect sauce. I canned them using the upside down method (neat!) and now we have 4 jars of applesauce for the next couple months. (CatLord says he’ll eat them all right away, but whatever). Maybe I’ll sneak the applesauce cookie recipe from my mom.
After that, I watched most of season 3 of Queer Eye and cried while I cut out more bags. NEAT. How was your week?
It’s been a weird couple of days. I’m fully transitioned on to new medication. I attempted to write a blog post a few days ago and discovered that “I had lost my words again” which broke my heart and sent me into a sadness spiral. I’m still a bit weird about it and am struggling to find the right words to explain things, but I’m determined to over come it.
I turned 31 on Sunday and celebrated by eating a lot of pizza with a couple friends. I’ve also been playing a lot of Stardew Valley with the online fam, and yanno. It’s fun. Not a great way to be accomplished and like…be healthy, but I at least I’m interacting with people? It’s also making me pray that spring is actually on it’s way so I can start playing out in my own garden.
Daisy and I went on a walk last week, and then I visited the library. I picked up a few books, one on preserving fruits and veg, one called Thug Kitchen: Eat like you give a fuck and one about green beauty. I’m hoping to make it over there sometime this week to take out some books on vermaculture and maybe one on cross stitch (I’m currently on my 3rd cross stitch for mah homeskillet. I’ll post once I’ve delivered it.)
Yesterday was busy. I met with my new therapist, and then went over to a friend’s place to do some crafts. It was nice to be out of the house, but I’m definitely ready to recoup some of them spoons today. I think I might be getting allergies which means spring is on it’s way, right?
Mood: off Project: Chris’ blanket, banana bread Desire: to drink tea and have a nap
It was -8 yesterday, it got up to 0. It felt like I was living on a tropical island. It was amazing. The sun was out. I could take Daisy to the dog wash without fear of her freezing as soon as we stepped outside. It’s only -7 today, but it’s a bit windy, snowy, and overcasty, so I’m hiding indoors today. Does anyone else buy perfectly good bananas specifically to let them brown for banana bread? Because I secretly do. The only place I’ve found paper bags of browned bananas is at the organic store, and they still charge per banana. Cmon child. Please. I’m currently flooding my house with the scent of banana bread. My mom has this imperial margarine cookbook from a looonngg time ago, it has the best recipes in it. Some of my favorites are the pancakes (although we’ve altered it and tripled it to fit our fams needs), the chocolate chip cookies, the dogturd cookies (no bake chocolate drop cookies), and the banana bread. One year, my mom asked me to make a bunch of loaves of banana bread for a Legion gathering or something. So I harvested the several grocery bags (yes) of frozen bananas and made like 15 loaves. I substituted the eggs for more bananas and used…butter…I think, instead of margarine. They were the best damn loaves of banana bread I’ve ever tasted. I continue to scour the internet for a recipe that is close, subbing eggs for bananas, and so far I’ve come up with a bunch of overly moist banana loaves that no one else eats but me (I’m not complaining). I should add that recipe book to my thrift store watch list, it’s amazing.
I’m in the middle of another med adjustment, my spirits feel up but my mood seems low. If that’s possible. I’m trying to be optimistic, but it feels draining. CatLord and I watched half of season 2 of the Expanse last night, it’s pretty great. I’m really loving watching more sci-fi. I think my next big series watch is Battlestar Galactica. Anyways, the banana bread is just about done, and I think I’m going to try to get rid of this oncoming migraine.
I wrote a really long post a head of this about MY BIG DARK SAD, but this post morphed. So the TL;DR is that I have depression and it’s hard, but my support network and I are working on it. The big thing for me is managing expectations, both my own and others. I’ve been reading a lot about Spoon Theory lately, and have managed to explain to the CatLord that I only have so many spoons a day, and that sometimes I only have enough spoons to get out of bed and drink a glass of water, and some days I have enough spoons to violently clean my house AND make dinner. Eventually he got it, but the question was always “why spoons?”
And then one day, a coworker shared a tweet about DnD and spellslots. You see, a level 5 spellcasting type will have so many spells a day, and once those spells are used, you can’t get them back until you have a long or short rest. And like, that makes sense, but I guess it just depends on your audience let’s say you’re trying to explain this to your mom?
And then I thought about my mom. She’s an amazing human, taught me a lot about who I am and who I can be. Shes also stupid good at video games, and is on like level trillion of candy crush or something. So like, in candy crush, you have 5 hearts to use, and each time you fail a level you lose a heart. Over time the heart comes back, but you have to wait, and once you’re out of hearts there’s really nothing you can do. You could ask for hearts from other people, but you wouldn’t want to impose. Some days it’s just easy levels and you never run out of hearts, and sometimes you’re stuck on this one fucking level for weeks and there’s nothing you can do about it but keep trying. You can see all your friends surpassing you and it sucks but you just gotta keep on going.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have a really hard level today, and I have no hearts left, but I see one coming soon and I’m really amped about that.