i’m afraid

I wrote out my title and left it in my drafts for a few days.

Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?
I couldn’t put it in to words at the time, which I couldn’t tell if that was a symptom of my mental health doing the thing where I can’t think, or if I legitimately didn’t know why I felt fear.

And then I felt it, all at once and all consuming. I’m afraid of feeling better.

Well Phaidra, you know, lots of people are afraid of getting better. Is it because you are afraid of who that person might be? Or maybe it’s because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of being healthy? Or is it something else?

I’ve definitely been afraid of being mentally well because I feel like the human that I am wouldn’t exist anymore, and I’ve been afraid of getting better because I honestly believed that I didn’t deserve it. But this is a different kind of fear.

What scares me the most isn’t getting better.
It’s feeling that moment when everything slides back into place, the sun shines, the butterflies flutter, angels sing – and the depression was just a piece of your story. And you get to be a person. You get to go back to the person you were, or always wanted to be.
I’m afraid that I’ll experience that full life, and suddenly be pulled down into THE BIG DARK SAD again and that terrifies me. Yesterday was busy, and I’ve got negative amount of spoons, but it was a -good day- and I -felt- good.

Today is big, DARK, and getting harder by the minute, and the worst part is that for a moment I was okay, and now, I’m not.

All I can do is wait for the next moment and hope it sticks around a little longer.

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