We pulled a puzzle out from our Christmas gifts and turned on some music from our childhood. I got a call from a concerned friend and he calmly talked me off a ledge, and I was grateful for the love of others. I stood outside and watched the stars shine. Just a moment. Me, my dog, and the vastness of the universe. I took in a deep breath and felt the healing of the wind. It was just a moment, but it was a moment of clarity.
I’ve been struggling with self soothing techniques. Yesterday was a big, deep, dark sad day and I couldn’t shake the endless loop of darkness and endings. I colored. I sang. I baked. I smoked. I laid down. I cuddled my dog. I hugged my husband. I wrote a blog. I sat in the shower. But nothing really helped.
Except the bright night sky.
I need to get out of this house and go live in the woods. I need to reconnect with myself. I need to sit beside a campfire. I need to paddle a canoe. I need to forage for berries. I need healing.
I’m not going to lie. I’m really struggling with this whole pandemic. Real life was enough of a challenge for me, just getting up is a challenge. Choosing to be a part of life is a challenge. But this pandemic really has me in a horrible mentality.
It’s so weird to be a “helper” human and be unable to help. Back home, I was proudly involved with Emergency Social Services, and whenever there was anything, I was sure to be there, doing something. Anything. But this crisis has me in a state of uselessness. I’m catching a cold (yes, a cold) so I’ve got myself holed up in the house, and I’m losing it. I just want to be out there fixing something.
It’s not like this is any different than any other day for me. As a hermit who works from home, nothing has /really/ changed, but everything has changed, and my heart hurts for it.
Right now we need to band together and be there for each other, but we have to remember to show up for ourselves and be there for yourself. I have to remember to be there for me. And show up for me. And every day it gets harder to do that.
The thing about depression is that your brain lies to you and tells you horrible things. But all of those horrible things are my reality now. And it’s getting to be too much. I know I need to reach out and connect with my humans and check in on others, but I just can’t. My heart aches for everyone and my little empath heart is just too broken to handle all of the stress, pain, and fear. I want to prepare for the worst; batch cook, start my survival garden, take sewing/mending more seriously, be a good wife, be a good home-keeper, but as soon as I start to move to do something, I’m halted by this immense sadness.
I’m just a giant false start with a heavy heart and an inability to let out whatever this beast is weighing me down.
So it’s just a thing that happens. I have an idea or pick up a new craft and suddenly it’s all I think about. But in this case it could actually be going somewhere.
Earlier this month Catlord celebrated his birthday. It’s a big birthday for him, so I got him a real big gift [and I’m usually shit at gifts so…was about time I did better], a 3d printer. As I am researching 3d printers and filaments, my brain says “but like…what happens to the 3d print failures? what is 3d printer filament? must be an easier way to get it.” I somehow stumbled in to small scale plastic recycling as an attempt to mitigate the filament waste [filament is expensive yall].
This later turned in to an immensely huge project.
The “peaches starts a business” project.
I made my way to the precious plastic site and there it was. The answer to my question. The answer to many questions. Precious Plastic is a NFP collective type thing, they share everything they have learned about small scale plastic recycling in easy and inclusive ways *for free* – including machine blueprints, business plans, workspace suggestions etc. I think my main purpose is to take something that is literal garbage and create a conversation around how great this resource is when it is applied to it’s full potential, rather than trinkets and plastic spoons. This post isn’t sponsored or like…an ad. I’m just genuinely excited that there is a way for me to positively impact my physical environment by removing plastic from the landfill. If you’re a likeminded human, I suggest checking out the website, if nothing else, just to see what can of magic can happen when you’re forced into the crunch line of global warming and armed with a bunch of Captain Planet type nerds. So now I’m starting a business with a friend and I’m extremely excited for it. I love my current job [like so much, you have no idea] but I feel like I could take on the work [and like holy shit I need a creative outlet that gets me out of my house I swear to fuck). I have lots of ideas, and I can’t wait to share them, but until then, I just leave you with an invitation to chat about plastic recycling with me and how you can take literal trash and turn it in to amazing things.
And yes, I know – we need to be encouraging less consumption of plastic all together, and like, yes. But also – only 9% of the global amount of plastic is recycled, which means there’s a shit load of it all over the damn place. I think I will always be someone who advocates for the greener choice, someone who says yes to reusing jars and tupperware for a zero waste option, and genuinely doesn’t want anymore plastic created. I would love to get to the point where I can no longer recycle plastic into products because there is a shortage. Here’s hoping.
Anyways, we had a community meeting for PP folks in the city, and I’m really hopeful that something cool will come out of this for all of us. I’m trying to turn my brain off and it’s hard. Hoping the word vomit helps. And the tea. And the drugs.
In 6 months and 10 days I will be marrying the CatLord.
Sweet everloving fuck.
There is so much to do.
In an attempt to keep me from cross stitching today, I dyed my hair and DIYed a makeup trial for the wedding. My hair is now a “midnight blue black” and will likely fade into a blue, and then be just..light blue. I use Ion from Sally’s, I’ve been using it for the last two years, but it’s been a bitch to try and find. For the makeup trial, I just used shit I’ve been hoarding for the last little while (although, to be honest, zero wasters, I did just put a $100 order in at Sephora for some makeup and I feel kinda terrible about it, but also not. Oh the inner turmoil.)
So, after posting my selfie to r/weddingplanning and getting some advice, I need to find a foundation that matches a little more closely to my skin tone. I know I’ll likely get a bit darker before the day of (thanks genes <3) but the CYO Lifeproof colors I have are a bit too neutral for me I think, my skin has a red tone that kinda makes me look a bit orange? But I mean, I love CYO. If you’re in the states, I highly recommend it (like $7 USD and is a holy grail). I may try going back to the Peach Perfect in Nude, or the IT Cosmetics CC creme in light. i may have purchased a tester of Tatcha’s primer thing (that is outrageously over priced), I’m still looking for the ELF dupe. Also apparently the milani lipstick I used is too neutral, so I’m in the market for a good berry colored lip. Would prefer to use one that is either home-made or sustainably packaged.
Idk. It’s really hard to figure out what exactly would need to change to make this look more “bridal”. Like…apparently the dark brown under the eye is too dark. And the eyeshadow could go up higher. And I’m not wearing enough bronzer/highlight/blush. *shrug* I just need better oil controlling shit. I’m currently sitting in my bed being an oil slick and the makeup has only been on for 8 hours, and I haven’t done anything real demanding today so…
In extremely exciting wedding shit news, I’m going to my first dress fitting on Saturday with Cheech! Going to start getting my dress altered and I’m so pumped about it. I think I might go look for some thrift store shoes to wear to the fitting. I’m sure I’ll find something perfect.
Anyways, here’s a picture of Daisy being confused about this fucking goose outside this morning.
So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with a bunch of stuff. I attended a free vermicomposting workshop in my city, which was really informative! They provided materials to build our own vermicompost, so – welcome Wormsteros to the catladyriot family. I’m excited to for these little guys to start getting bigger! I’m looking into purchasing some more red wigglers, as the city provided about a handful of worm, and I think we’ll likely need more based on the amount of organic material we need to compost.
My next adventure is going to be figuring out what the heck I did wrong with our outdoor compost box. I probably need to add more dirt with some bugs in it or something.
I have this thing, where I learn something new and I do that thing until I’ve done it too much. Not obsessed, but like…excited? It happened when I learned a new crochet stitch and ended up screwing up my arm. This time, I have hurt my neck…from cross stitching. I’m the world’s oldest lady. But! I’ve made 4 patterns, and have started a new one! It’s just a really fun way to pass the time. But also, my neck. *sigh* I guess I need to learn about moderation.
In other news, Doppler has been a bit under the weather. I found him all drooly one day (which has happened once a year for the last 3 years). We took him to our vet friend and discovered that one of his canine teeths…tooths…tooth… is loose and may very well have a bit of an infection.
It looks like we will need to take him in to have his tooth removed. But in the meantime, everyone is getting a lot of soft catfood (even Daisy) and extra treats.
Welp. This week is suppose to be really pretty outside. I think CatLord and I are hoping to get some work done on the deck, and potentially the front porch. I’m going to go…not cross stitch.
I am full of bee facts. Full of them. But more importantly, I am full of excitement and happiness when I get to see bees. Lil fluffy bumblers just having the time of their life. Bumblers bring me joy.
This weekend I took a beekeeping class, it was amazing. To think about how it might be a part of my life when we have the space is such a treat. I learned so much about bees, I met an 8 year old beekeeper (his mother was devastated that he applied, and won, 2 free nucs) who was more knowledgeable about bees than some of the grown ass dudes with bees already. The teacher was only two years older than me, and had -so- much love and experience with bees to share, it was really inspiring.
Maybe before we get honey bees, I’ll buy a box of bumblers and just love them as much as I can.
Yesterday was a bad brain day. Maybe it has a bit to do with how I had to keep my shit together all weekend to learn about bees. Or maybe that I didn’t have any medication until 4pm. Or maybe it’s because I tried to set a boundary that another person didn’t appreciate. But it was a bad day. It’s insane how those days hit you, like physically hit you. But it’s also great to have people who can pull you out of that sludge.
In between the badness of yesterday, I tidied up the house a bit. Repotted some plants. I made myself a plant sanctuary. It’s my little place to reflect.
Anyways, this week is going to be about catching up on stuff. Doing some tasks that need to be done, doing some sewing for a friend (making some beeswax snack baggies!), and I’ll be taking a vermaculture / worm workshop tomorrow night. Exciting times.
Except I’ve got the CatLord’s man cold, so…that’s a bummer. Hope you’re well.